So here I am…. finally making another post here. It’s been a really long time… like a year and a half.
I’m so much different than the me from before. I miss the old me. I can barely remember her actually. I know she was a happy, self confident woman who smiled and laughed her way through life… so care free. I see a shadow of her now and then….
So it’s Christmas season….. it sucks because I used to love Christmas. Not so much anymore. I’ll put on a show for the kids but my heart is just not in it anymore. These weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas are not fun at all. The past couple years I’ve had stuff distracting me. The cruise the first year, the house renovation last year. This year I don’t have much distraction and it’s causing me to think about it more. It’s causing my anxiety levels to skyrocket. I’m trying my best to keep them in check but it’s hard sometimes….. When I’m alone and just left with my thoughts my mind just wanders there. I can’t help it.
I feel alone even in a room full of people that I know…. which is a really scary thing. It’s really common though, among us widows and widowers….. That dark corner or hole is always lurking nearby…. nobody gets it…. and that’s ok because I don’t want anyone else to understand it. It would mean you were drug through hell and back as well… and I certainly do not want that. I do put on the “strong me” show….. I fool all of you…. us Wids get good at it….. I mean, sometimes I feel strong but mostly I’m always second guessing myself and my self esteem isn’t what it once was. When you lose a spouse, there is so much more you lose that you would never even begin to imagine….
I’m learning though….. learning to carry this with me. It will always be there. One doesn’t simply get over or move on from this like you would think…. we just learn to deal with the pain and memories better.
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I honestly wish I could just sleep through until January.
This was our house that December of 2015…. I can’t even bring myself to try to put lights out there now…..
